November is the 7 year anniversary of my starting this blog. I’ve talked about it on here before, I was at the After Eve Women’s Conference at my church where I heard Jen Hatmaker and Shauna Niequist speak for the first time. The biggest take-away from that experience was this: “If you have a dream, if there is something in your heart you have always wanted to do, DO IT. Stop waiting for it to be the “right time” because it’s never the right time and you are not getting any younger.” Can’t you just hear either of them saying this to a group of young women? LOL

Well my dream is to write. I have had this dream my whole life. I have always needed to write for my previous jobs, so in a sense I did/do write, but I had never really written for me until I started this blog. And I started it because of the exhortation received at After Eve. But for many years as I continued working in a spokesperson role, I never had the full freedom to write FOR ME because what I said would always reflect back on my employer in one way or the other. I am good (IMHO) at speaking on behalf of others, but really have not grown in my ability to write on behalf of me.

I’ve been thinking about this a whole lot lately. I feel like I still have something left in me to achieve from a writing perspective. I just don’t really know what it is. I have asked God a million times and I still am not sure that he has given me a specific direction on what to write.

This compelling urge to write, coupled with an extreme vagueness on what my topic should be, has left me paralyzed. This blog is all over the place and there is no real focus. I’ve given myself permission to just let that be as I try out different topics and styles trying to find one that fits. But I still don’t think I’ve found it.

So today as I pondered these things, I thought I would present the question here and see if those who actually still read the few things I do write had some input on this.

What do you think that I should write?

I am feeling really vulnerable putting this out there like this.  Honestly, this scares the fool out of me. I am afraid of what you will say (or won’t say) and I am afraid of being real about my struggles with this. But the fact is that fears — lots of them — are the reasons why I stay stagnant but the fear of regret is becoming stronger than the fears holding me back. I think I am now at a place where I am ready to face those fears and try to pursue writing beyond the hodgepodge, inconsistent, self-indulgent stuff I’ve been posting here.

I participate in a Bible study at my church called “Chase” by Jennie Allen. We are studying the life of King David in the Old Testament. It is really powerful and each week the questions are very thought-provoking; the kind of questions that really make you think and sometimes make you feel uncomfortable answering truthfully.

Today’s question was: If you were to meet God tomorrow, what would you regret?

At the time, I couldn’t come up with an answer, probably because I was too afraid to face it.  But this afternoon as I found myself with a few quiet moments (nap time, hooray!) I spent time reflecting on this question and here is what I came up with:

Today at Bible study, the question was “if you met God tomorrow what would you regret?” well that’s easy: Writing. I write all the time for my own enjoyment but I do have a dream to do more with my writing, and (gasp) perhaps bring in some added income to our family. I dream that my words would influence others in a positive way, that my words would validate and inspire hope in others. My biggest fear in writing is being “wrong” and being criticized. I do not receive criticism well and I don’t want to cause confusion or be misunderstood. Those are huge obstacles for me. I keep searching all my life for this “thing” that will be “my” thing. My calling. My purpose. If I met God tomorrow I would probably regret that I didn’t take the time to figure that out and actually do something significant with this talent/skill/dream that has always been in my heart. 

And not long after that, I had the idea to write this blog post and ask those of you who read my blog what YOU think about all of this.

I really do want feedback of any and all kinds. If you prefer to email me privately please do at annielauriewalters{at}gmail-dot-com. I am eager to receive your thoughts on this ever-vexing question: What Should I Write??